Best year ever for absolutely everything, boasts No. 10
30 Apr 2006 by hra
"Forget apologies, forget resignations, forget 'massive failures of public duty', forget 'New Labour meltdown'" is the defiant message from Downing Street after what has turned out to be rather a long week in politics for the embattled Government. Speaking on behalf of an assortment of red-faced senior Government figures, veteran PR troubleshooter Greg Mullet today told an assembled pack of avid newshounds, "Patricia Hewitt got the message right after all – New Labour's having its Best Year Ever - and that's official".The NHS has already amply justified Ms Hewitt's claim by boasting the "most impressive yet" numbers of NHS staff threatened with redundancy, planning strike action, or emigrating in disgust (or all three) - wildly exceeding Government targets. 2006 has also seen "absolutely unprecedented" numbers of hospitals closed down and their sites flogged off to property developers. "Identikit unaffordable rabbit-hutches and wall-to-wall Tesco superstores – what more could anyone want from a health service?" Ms Hewitt was thought to have said this week amid a chorus of boos.
As its crowning glory, the NHS has also achieved a "near perfect score" in terms of taxpayers wondering whatever could possibly have happened to all the money from that National Insurance hike four years ago.
The Home Office is also enjoying its Best Year Ever, following swift implementation of its Glorification of Error legislation. This week saw the proud announcement that the number of foreign murderers and rapists released by mistake has "soared to an all-time high" - news nicely timed to maximise public confidence in the competence and integrity of the Home Office at a time when it is also boasting the "greatest ever imaginable" ratio of resources devoted to useless draconian measures versus those spent on ordinary everyday policing. In fact, the Home Office has even recently recorded its "most specious ever" list of reasons put forward for the introduction of ID cards and the "most devious ever" ways and means of forcing the legislation through regardless. And as a spin-off, the number of Seriously Ostentatious crime-fighting agencies crawling out of the woodwork (complete with imbecilic logos and absurd media fanfares) is looking "pretty healthy" these days too.
Over at the Orifice of the Deputy's Prime Mistress, one individual has rather uncomfortably been owning up to having had his Best Year Ever too. Whether a certain attractive female civil servant would agree with this view is, however, open to conjecture. Mr Prescott's advisers are said to be uncertain whether to put him forward for Blunkett's old job, or that of England football coach. On the subject of headless chickens, 2006 has also been the Best Year Ever for bird flu, that latest in the Whitehall spin machine's formidable arsenal of weapons of mass distraction. Downing Street insiders are said to be taking bets on the number of dead swans, chickens, parrots, plastic ducks, dodos (and perhaps even ministers' mistresses) which will conveniently appear around the time the results of the forthcoming Council elections are announced.
Finally, 2006 looks set to become New Labour's Best Year Ever for sleaze, as Lord Punch and Lady Judy of the New Conservatives wholeheartedly agree. Quite by co-incidence, Downing Street wishes to remind Tony Blair's adoring fans that the great man's birthday is coming up on 6th May and that the mere fact that someone might happen to make him a gift of a few million quid should not automatically debar them from elevation to the House of Lords at some stage in the future.
In short, 2006 is widely predicted to be the Best Year Ever for anything whatsoever which might go a little bit wrong or cause that teeniest smidgen of embarrassment for the country's great leadership (or already has and hasn't been found out about yet). And, as it happens, so is 2007. After all, "Things can only get better".
