How a crippled childhood gave rise to an authoritarian monster
21 Jul 2005 by Paul Davies
Profile: The Rt Hon Charles Rodway Clarke MP, aka The Safety ElephantCharles Clarke has been causing controversy and consternation since he was born. Brought into the world sometime in the early 50s, baby Charles was the most deformed new-born since Joseph Merrick. Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, most of the callous hideousness was lopped off or covered up, but as anyone can see over half a century and many operations later, it wasn't a complete success.
The young Charles battled through the pain with a steady intake of gin and self-imposed delusion. This had a profound effect on the now home secretary, as he is now irreversibly addicted to both.
The tumultuous trauma of his congenital deformities also meant Charles didn't learn to form words until he was six years old, and sadly, he's still to master this simplest of human arts. The young master Clarke also has a long history of not being able to eat very well, and his method of shovelling food into his mouth a bit like Dr Zoidberg prevented him from ever making any friends when his doctors finally decided he was fit to be unleashed on a school.
As he grew up, Charles realised that being ugly and having no friends combined with his aforementioned delusions meant career options were somewhat limited. In fact, he was only really left with a choice of two: the upper echelons of politics, or the church. Having the further misfortune to attend the most rampant hotbed of raving left-wing loony activism in the known world, King's College Cambridge, Charles was rather forced into the former.
While at Cambridge, studying two of the subjects least demanding of social skills, Maths and Economics, Charles became president of both the Students' Union and the No Fun Club, a secret society of angry rejects, Health and Safety workers and people too pussy to commit the suicide they spend all day talking about.
After his graduation, and with his brain in a spin, Charles stumbled into the office of Neil Kinnock one day, knocking over Mr Kinnock's mug of tea. The confused Charles made such a good replacement cuppa as an apology that he was kept on for 11 years. In 1992, Charles left Mr Kinnock's office following his mentor's mental collapse after losing the general election to John Major.
The balding Welshman went so crazy, and Charles was forced to leave in such great haste, that before he knew what he was doing, he was trapped behind a desk for 14 hours a day and a sign on his door told him he was a management consultant.
After the universally barren Major years, Charles spotted an opportunity in the bright new dawn of New Labour and duly became the Member of Parliament for Norwich South, a position he holds with an ever-decreasing majority.
With his gargoyle-esque looks seen as no threat to his own standing by Captain Botox, the Prime Minister, Charles quickly found himself accumulating power like Max Clifford accumulates enemies, and eventually ended up as Home Secretary.
Unfortunately, the combination of this exalted position and a lifetime of pain and suffering was bad news for the innocent British people.
Following on where the equally nutzoid and non-PM-threatening David Blunkett left off, Charles has been using his powers to piss people off under the useful guise of combating terrorism. By creating an exhaustive database society, he ultimately hopes to one day track down and take personal revenge on all those who have mocked him over the years.
Like Hitler learnt from his failed Munich Putsch in 1923, so Charles learnt from an abortive attempt to have Prince Charles arrested under anti-terrorism laws late last year. He quickly realised he was aiming too high, and thus took on the people that can't answer back, i.e. everyone else. The Ministry for the Detection and Punishment of Thoughtcrime isn't due to be established until 2016, although Charles has plenty of other plans to restrict our liberties in the meantime.
Remember kids, "thoughtcrime does not entail death: thoughtcrime is death." You have been warned.
