Rant: Rubbish trains are a good thing
4 Jul 2005 by Paul Davies
As I write this, I'm sat on a train, somewhere between Woking and London Waterloo. I think I'm outside Wimbledon, although I can't be sure; why is it that whenever trains decide to stop for a breather, it's always amid the same nondescript backdrop of anonymous run-down buildings and junkified railway sidings? Why can't they ever have their spasms of incompetence somewhere picturesque, like in one of Hampshire's verdure fields or by one of London's impressive monuments?Maybe the workmen employed in the vain attempt to make the system less of a national joke only work near the pretty bits. It's scarily possible.
Either way, travelling by train in England is a cruel, yet mildly humorous torture, like Monty Python's fish-slapping dance: irritating and mildly soul-destroying, yes; but nevertheless amusing in a way only the English can ever really appreciate. It is the humour of imbecilic inevitability: yes it's rubbish, but you've come to accept it with the same sort of charm people show towards brain-damaged relatives.
That, and we don't really give a crap if we're late for work. In some ways, a consistently underperforming train network is distinctly advantageous: overslept? No matter, just turn up late and blame Railtrack, it's not like anyone won't believe you.
In Japan, it's a bit different. If you turn up two minutes late for work in Japan, or work anything less than a 17-hour day, you're forced to commit Seppuku for the shame you've brought on not only yourself, but also your family, your company and your country. This is why they have trains that can do 250mph while getting from Guildford to London takes three-and-a-half days.
The latest edition of their bullet train, which has been hurtling people towards work so fast they get there before they set off since 1964, comes complete with giant Mickey-Mouse style ears that pop out of the train's head to help it slow down before it plunges into the Pacific.
While British train engineers only have to deal with light drizzle or temperature rises of about half a degree—and yet still manage to mess up spectacularly—Japanese trains are designed to withstand earthquakes, so that not even the evil temptress Mother Nature can stop people from entering the office on time. Go first-class in a bullet and your seat probably comes with a button for a Shiatsu massage. Meanwhile, we're still working on the air-conditioning.
Needless to say, technology culture is a bit different in the East.
While breakfasters in Britain were saluting the evolution from toaster to toasted sandwich maker, Japanese toasters had learnt to make the breakfast, do the washing up and print out a digest of all the morning's papers.
But all this comes at a price.
Japanese men and women work like buggery, and have done for decades. They've pushed the frontiers of technology so far that flashy gadgets to them are simply part of the family, like a child or a pet. And if, like kids and animals, they happen to make a mess, another gadget will be along to clean it up before you can say Gary Lineker. Yet despite all this, the economy has spent the best part of a decade in recession and people's hearts are popping with stress like an industrial vat of popcorn. They don't even have the time to play with all the fun things they've invented, because they're too busy inventing them.
British trains are crap and getting crapper; they are, on average, slower than they were 20 years ago and certain journeys take longer today than they did in the 19th century.
But, if we forced the people who look after the trains to work harder, we'd all have to, and where's the fun in that?
