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3rd May
Updated from time to time

Premiership footballers to take gender tests

Several well-known Premiership footballers are to undergo gender tests after the sport's governing body, the FA, became suspicious of their performances. The players, whose identities have not yet been released, are thought to belong to some of the country's biggest clubs, including Manchester United, Chelsea and Arsenal.

Speaking exclusively to DeadBrain and on the condition of anonymity, a source at the FA told our reporter: "We first started to suspect their masculinity when we noticed they were wearing silly clothes and earrings and spending a long time doing their hair. Several of them have missed their team coaches because they took too long to get dressed."

"Now the new season has started we're seeing them behaving like big girl's blouses on the pitch, falling over clutching their faces if another player so much as brushes past them," the source continued. "This isn't the sort of behaviour we would expect from professional male footballers."

"Worse still, every month or so they start behaving irrationally, shouting at people for no reason and then going off in a strop," the source added. "I don't know if that's related or not."

The footballers will undergo a rigorous gender examination at an FA facility next week, when they will be tested against a number of criteria including their ability to burp, leave the toilet seat up and refuse to ask for directions when they are lost.
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