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19th April
Updated from time to time

Car crime statistics stolen from minister's car

Official statistics on the extent of car crime in Salford are the latest document to be stolen from Hazel Blears. The Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, who is also the MP for Salford, is believed to have left the papers on the back seat of her car. The document, which was passed to DeadBrain by sources familiar with the make, model, colour and registration number of Ms Blears's car, reveals that car crime in Salford fell by 508% in the last six months, and is now at its lowest since the Middle Ages.

In a related development, historians have begun querying why civil servants began collating statistics on car crime many hundreds of years before cars were invented. The Liberal Democrats have condemned the Government's waste and inefficiency.

The loss of the statistics is the latest in a series of thefts from Ms Blears's property and person. Earlier this month a computer containing information relating to defence and extremism was stolen from her constituency office; a week later her driver's sat nav and mobile phone were stolen from her car; and last week the Chancellor's secret strategy for rescuing Britain's economy from its present downward spiral of doom was stolen from a folder Ms Blears was carrying down Whitehall on foot.

The Chancellor's handwritten strategy was in the form of a sheet of paper with a yellow post-it note attached containing the words 'Re: the economy. We're screwed. Alistair' on it. It was handed to DeadBrain by someone who had been close to Ms Blears, but had realised both it and she had no value.

A spokesman for Greater Manchester Police said that it was unlikely that Ms Blears was being deliberately targeted. "Although Ms Blears is small, ginger and a Government Minister, and therefore more susceptible to this sort of crime, at this stage there is nothing to suggest that she is being deliberately targeted. It may just be coincidence," he said.

"However, we would urge all residents not to leave confidential Government paperwork in plain sight, as it's just asking for trouble."
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