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18th April
Updated from time to time

Call centres go on strike; robot overlords one step closer to domination

The UK was plunged into a state of consumer emergency today, as call centre staff across the country put down their headsets and went on strike. The drastic action has been "in the pipeline for some months" according to the organiser of one of the largest strikes, in Sheffield.

Gregory Mullet has been answering complaints for Currys for over 6 years as of this Monday, and states that he and others have finally had enough.

"It was two things really the customers and the management. They both had it in for us, and eventually it went too far," he said. When asked to elaborate, Mullet notes specifically one unfortunate employee, who chuckled at a customer requesting "a washing machine made out of solid gold, and delivered by circus folk. You know, the biddy ones with the bells on their legs".

This throaty misdemeanour led to his sacking, as well the stopping of his pension and the incarceration of his family for crimes against humanity. His Barnsley-based house was impounded and sold to an Iranian buyer, to be subsequently re-assessed as a nuclear hazard and bombed by an RAF tactical assault squadron. The 8-year-old Ford he was driving was towed away to be burnt as a witch.

Over-zealous reprimands like this in an already illogical and stress-packed environment have prompted the mass desertion of call centre staff. The complaints process has now been left in the electronically ruthless hands of the automated menu systems, which many companies now use to confuse and befuddle customers prior to the complaint process initiating.

DeadBrain has managed to obtain the closely guarded promotional literature for the most commonly used of these systems, the AutoRagE 2.0. The system promises to use "an inventive and self-improving mix of quantish-euclidian mathematical operators tied around an Escher based infinite string, to influence the production of certain neural chemicals via the auditory wotsit." These chemicals create "a state conducive to pulmonary spasms and low-level paranoid psychosis".

Without the mitigating effect of human contact at the end of the AutoRagE process, the effects are becoming worryingly pronounced, with murders nationwide spiking by over 800% in the hour after the strike started. Consumers seeking cathartic release via call centre complaints are being driven mad in an endless loop of button pushing, whilst each shouted expletive is recorded and used by the system to increase its diabolical efficiency.

With the integrity of the country falling apart, city mayors nationwide have made an impassioned plea for calm, rational conduct. Boris Johnson, facing his first crisis as Mayor of London, has released a statement which was both endearingly idiosyncratic and totally irrelevant.

More news as it comes in.
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