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22nd July
Updated from time to time

Millennium Goals 'pushed back until next one'

The first UN report to be published in 2008 has revealed that the Millennium Goals are to be pushed back until the year 3000. Ban Ki-Moon, Secretary General of the United Nations, explained the decision: "It should hopefully give the richer countries a bit more time to organise themselves. After all, that's what this project is about, rich countries and what to do with all that excess money."

The move has been welcomed by many of the richer nations signed up to the declaration. Writing in his blog, 'The Secret Diary of David Miliband, aged 17 ', the British Foreign Secretary, praised the declaration. "It will give us more time to plough money into policies on ID cards, taxing non-domiciles, Labour party funding and the assassination of Boris Johnson," he wrote.

The suggestion has found support in other places too. Dr Greg Mullet, an expert in failure at Bootle University, said: "It just makes sense. Some goals were for 2015, some for 2010, how complicated can one project be? Now the rich countries have a set date, it should be a far more efficient system." He continued: "Whilst the goal to halve the population of Africa in a decade is an honourable target, it's just not realistic."

Across the Atlantic, the US in particular had been a strong advocate of such a move. The report has been well received in the White House. An insider told DeadBrain, "It's a fantastic result. We sent them all the Poptarts and ketchup sachets a continent could need. Now we can put that 0.7% of our GDP towards something useful, like continuing plans to build and protect the US with a Muslim shield."

"Missile shield," he corrected.

Official declarations mirror such an opinion. "The US ignores the Kyoto Protocol, the International Criminal Court, the UN arms treaty, the UN, Human Rights laws, Old Europe (in particular the French), Robbie Williams, New Europe (in particular all of it), Good Old Common Sense, the UN, black natural disaster victims, Darfur, Somalia and the UN," said Vice President Dick "Head" Cheney. "Now we can officially ignore the Millennium Goals project too - not that we weren't already."

After catching his breath he added, "It's like a party in the White House, and everyone's invited. Except the poverty-stricken, obviously."

There have been unconfirmed rumours of criticism against the move, but the assessment of the importance of these arguments has also been pushed back until the next millennium.
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