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24th July
Updated from time to time

Met police 'thought de Menezes was Pete Doherty'

The official report into the death of Jean Charles de Menezes has revealed that police believed they were murdering well-known oxygen thief Pete Doherty, and not an innocent man who actually had a job and did something useful. The report reveals several glaring errors made by firearms officers on that fateful day. DeadBrain has listed these errors in all their wonderful glory below:

None of the officers positively identified their target as Doherty, despite the fact that each of them would probably have arrested him at least twice.

  1. Jean Charles was not wearing a crap hat.


  2. Jean Charles did not appear to be travelling in the direction of a court.


  3. Jean Charles was not carrying a guitar and was never heard spouting awful poetry or tuneless 'songs'.


  4. Jean Charles was not accompanied by an entourage of spotty teenagers or a dim-witted supermodel.

Sir Ian Blair apologised unreservedly for his force's failure to shoot Doherty and promised that his officers "wouldn't miss next time".

DeadBrain can reveal, by writing it here in this very paragraph, that recommendations contained within the report for improving the rozzers' training methods have already been instigated. Bosses at the police school in Hendon have now hired two full-time Doherty lookalikes in an attempt to make their training more life-like and to give officers a better chance of callously gunning down the right person.

In a never-before-seen-who-the-hell-cares-world exclusive DeadBrain has managed to gain extra-special, intimate, private access to the top-secret police killing house currently being used in north London. "Our recruits now spend several weeks developing anti-addict techniques on our mock-up Doherty range," a head rozzer explained to Deadbrain's reporter whilst having a lovely cup of tea and a nice-looking donut with pink icing and chocolate sprinkles.

"It's basically a run-down building made to resemble a crack den. In fact I think it used to be the local hospital. No, sorry - it IS the local hospital. Yeah, so anyway our trainees undergo rigorous exercises (in between donut-eating competitions), learning how to arrest and charge Doherty for possession. Then they learn how to protect him outside the court once the judge has fallen for his lies and let him go again. It's all very realistic - our lookalike is even tone deaf but thankfully we've all been issued with ear defenders."

"If it proves successful and we haven't spent all our money on donuts we're hoping to hire lookalikes for Amy Winehouse and her husband too," he added.

In other showbiz news:

Paris Hilton did something today, as did the Spice Dolls, The Pussycat Girls, The Arctic Chiefs and the Kaiser Monkeys. Lilly Allen called someone a slag, Naomi Campbell didn't hit anyone, James Blunt is still awful, Posh broke a nail, Becks broke a toenail and Jordan had her third baby of the week. Madonna adopted another African child, Angelina got annoyed and stole the African child from Madonna, Madonna hit Angelina and Guy Ritchie filmed the whole thing and called it "Snatch 2". Bruce Forsyth didn't die, Amy Winehouse's hair was harvested and made several jars of honey and Prince Harry most definitely didn't shoot a delicious, plump-breasted pigeon, despite his army training.

Weather:

It will either be warm or cold, wet or dry or maybe a mixture of all four.

Money markets:

The dollar went down on the pound and then played FTSE with the Euro.
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