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23rd October
Updated from time to time

Allegations of fidelity and sobriety mar Lib Dem leadership contest

Senior Liberal Democrat party officials are feeling the pressure as they struggle to unearth scandalous details about the private lives of hopefuls Chris Huhne and Nick Clegg.

In accordance with party rules, leadership contenders must demonstrate at least one sexual deviance and/or substance dependence in order to gain the highest office in the party.

Former leader Menzies Campbell used a loophole in party rules to claim that the occasional wearing of a kilt could be construed as 'transvestite experimentalism'. Shortly after his election victory he cemented his leadership by revealing his long battle against Ovaltine addiction during his inaugural party conference speech.

Allegations of happy marriages and secure home lives have plagued both camps' campaigns in recent weeks with revelations that, despite a passing acquaintance with David Cameron, Huhne actively avoided drug use and homosexuality while at Oxford, choosing instead to drink lager tops and "talk to girls".

Clegg, meanwhile, had hoped to rely on rumours of Eyes Wide Shut-style goings on during his time as a political researcher in Brussels but has faced a significant setback with the revelation that said orgies were, in fact, one game of spin the bottle played "without tongues" at the 1998 Christmas party after Clegg had popped off early to bed with a good book.

So desperate are Huhne and Clegg to establish their debauched credentials that each has appointed special campaign advisers in the field. Huhne is hoping that the appointment of Kevin Spacey can secure him a romping victory while Clegg is hoping that Martina Hingis can pass on the name of her dealer to him.
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