News Satire Spoof Parody Humour John Prescott
31st July
Updated from time to time

'Lack of decent excuse' to blame for Home Secretary keeping quiet

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith today revealed that her decision to keep quiet about the thousands of illegal immigrants she cleared to work in the UK wasn't because she was trying to hide the error, but that she needed time to take 'strong and robust action' to think of a better excuse.

More than 5,000 (or it could be 8,000, no-one's really sure or cares anymore) illegal immigrants were given the Government go-ahead to work in the security industry.

Ms Smith said that the 'lines to take' were not sufficient at the time to reveal the story, claiming she needed to "fully investigate" better excuses before telling anyone that the cheery beardy bloke in the bulky yellow jacket, who's been guarding your office at night for the last six months, might very well be a member of Al Qaeda for all anyone knows.

Illegal immigrants have since been discovered guarding ports, airports, police stations, the Prime Minister's government car and Pete Doherty, although nobody cares about the latter terrorist target.

"Look," she said wearily, "We all make mistakes and we should all be allowed time to try to resolve those mistakes in private, and correct the image that an innocent individual might have possibly been at fault before people make knee-jerk reactions that could be catastrophic for that individual's career."

She continued, "So, national security was at risk for a few weeks, but no-one got hurt did they? No-one died? Look at the situation in Iraq. No-one lost their job over that did they? I bloody well wasn't going to lose mine over a few car park attendants not having quite the right paperwork."

Unimaginatively named Tory, David Davis, slammed the Home Secretary for failing to deliver an "honest and open dialogue". He then drew the link between her evasiveness now to a time in 1998 when she ended a brief relationship with him by saying that it was "her and not me".

"And all the time she was having a torrid affair with Tony Benn!" he claimed angrily, with tears of hurt welling in his beady eyes.
AddThis Feed Button AddThis Social Bookmark Button
Comment | Print | Send to a friend
DeadBrain Offbeat: Strange but true news
Satire on your mobile phone


DeadBrain... Search... Login...