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30th October
Updated from time to time

Ming Campbell quits after long health battle

The Liberal Democrat Leader, Sir Menzies Campbell, resigned tonight after a long battle with ineffectiveness. Friends and colleagues said that the 102-year-old had fought bravely but in recent days his health in the polls had worsened. The ineffectiveness eventually overcame him, taking his job.

Menzies the Merciless had a long, varied and altogether more successful career before entering politics. Before his sex change in 1989, he went under the name of Fatima Whitbread and won a silver medal in the javelin in the 1988 Olympics in Seoul.

After that John Menzies briefly enjoyed success as the owner of a chain of newsagents, where he built up his renowned knowledge of foreign affairs by reading the News of the World and taking personal charge of an army of 3,000 paperboys, which he deployed in the Balkans with military precision and a relatively low death rate.

Upon deciding to enter politics, Mini Campbell took the brave decision to eschew any further form of success and join the Liberal Democrats. His first frontbench role was as custodian of Charles Kennedy's Scotch Whisky supply.

One of the biggest problems faced by Ming the Menzies when he became leader was name recognition. "He was an excellent opera singer," said pollster Greg Mullet, "but very few people could pick him out of a line-up as leader of the...you know, the orangey ones."

Heartfelt praise for Mr Minger's tenure as leader has poured in from key political figures. Liberal Democrat spokesman on hair, Don Foster, praised Menzies the Merciless's courage to stand down before he was annihilated by Flash Gordon and forced out. Assistant principal speaker on flowers, Vince Cable, added, "Rupert has left us with a very clear vision for the country, and that is a vision of warm blankets and Werthers Originals." Mark Gettleson from the party's student movement was very excited that he was asked to appear on television.

DeadBrain's political editor, Douglas Ramsbottom, meanwhile said that Mr Mongs had been the most effective party leader in the site's six-year history after Iain Duncan Smith.

Mr Merciless's political career will be buried on Friday after a service in his home town of Mingo City on the planet Mongo. Rather than send flowers, mourners have been asked to make a donation towards his future bill for personal care.
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