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28th August
Updated from time to time

McCanns accused over Northern Rock queuing crisis

Kate & Gerry McCann were facing fresh allegations today over the disappearance of their mortgage. The couple, who are also definitely to blame for the recent air crash in Phuket as well as the deaths of Pavarotti and Anita Roddick, have not seen their mortgage since it went missing on 3rd May whilst they were on holiday in the Algarve. Despite protestations that they had nothing to do with the disappearance of their, or anyone else's mortgage, suspicion has now fallen on the dodgy-looking couple from Liverpool/Scotland/Portugal*.

"She looks evil," said a woman whilst out and about somewhere in a small town, perhaps in England, "and she's scouse so you probably can't trust her can you? I definitely think she did it even though I only ever get Heat magazine and don't know any of the facts or nothing, innit!"

"I wouldn't leave my mortgage alone in a room with them, especially as he's Scottish. They should definitely be extradited to Tyneside," a Geordie man logically commented to our reporter as he queued in the freezing Newcastle sleet and hail in the full traditional dress of just a vest and pants.

The McCanns meanwhile have continued to protest their innocence and issued a statement through their official spokesman, EastEnders character Phil Mitchell:

"Kate & Gerry remain innocent of everything, including 9/11 and the shooting of J.R. Ewing. The police should instead focus their investigation on finding their beautiful mortgage which has now been missing for ages. Kate and Gerry respectfully request that the press allow them the space and privacy they need to devote to their two smaller mortgages at this difficult time. Now please bugger off and go bother Pete Doherty or Amy Winehouse."

Meanwhile up north, where it's cold and grim, the queues were growing ever longer as thousands of ill-informed Geordies with nothing much better to do waited to withdraw their cash.

"This is a bit longer than the giro queue," they all moaned, through our interpreter.

Most Geordies invest their dole money in Northern Rock as it sponsors Newcastle United football club, a team which ironically mirrors the mortgage lender in that it's got lots of cash but is only popular in the north east and never really achieves anything of any note.

"I blame the government," said Ant (or possibly Dec).

"Me too," said Dec (or possibly Ant), "and the McCanns, obviously. Wahey!"

*We can't be bothered to make our minds up - you decide.
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