News Satire Spoof Parody Humour John Prescott
22nd December
Updated from time to time

Brighton Rock in crisis

Following last month's sub-candy crash in the US, Brighton Rock is in the midst of a complete melt-down.

Yesterday thousands of average tourists made a run on the Brighton Pier in an attempt to pull all of their Brighton Rock assets out of their teeth. With over 2 billion shards of nearly chewed candy being withdrawn from molars in one day, Brighton Rock has three days to prove that it is a solvent candy.

Speculators are speculating that if Brighton Rock cannot prove its solvency in the mouth, 5,500 jobs in Equatorial New Jersey will be lost at sea. Unions at Brighton Rock said they were in meetings with the Molar-Bending's board of directors, attempting to prevent compulsory tooth-flossing.

In a further blow to the Brighton area, the crisis threatens the Brighton Rock foundation, set up by Ruth Filling, which gets 5 per cent of the company's profit each year to combat depravity in the community.

Earlier today, the crisis hit the political stage as David Caramac, the golden creamy leader of the Opposition, pinned blame on the Prime Minstrel, Gordon Brownie, for allowing sugar levels to rise whilst he was Chancellor. Caramac said, "Though the current crisis may have had its base in the US, over the past decadence, the gum has been chewed at home."

The proposed buy-out of Brighton Rock by another Graham Greene novel, The Heart of the Matter, fell through today amid rumours that the chance of recovery from such a rambunctious thriller were slim. With other Rock industries such as GlamRock, PunkRock and Rock 'n' Roll having nothing to do with hard candy, it seems that Brighton Rock's crisis will continue well into next week.
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