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31st October
Updated from time to time

UN deadlock on Amy Winehouse crisis

A specially convened UN session on the escalating Amy Winehouse emergency ended in rancour today, with the United States still insisting that the threat posed by the singer's "ungovernable and erratic behaviour" be ended by regime change. Opponents point out that going into Winehouse could mean being bogged down inside her brain for decades.

America claims that a healthy regime of daily 5-mile runs, a carbohydrate-free diet and hourly calls to a personal trainer can be installed within a year. Averred US President George W Bush stuttered, "You can't tell me that the wonderful system of Temperancy is something these pot stars don't want. Not even this Housewhite person."

The US maintains that Winehouse carries about her person deadly weapons of self-destruction which could launch an attack on her liver within 4 or 5 minutes. However, UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon raised the point that the threat she poses is entirely internal and she would be better just left alone. President Bush declined to listen to the Secretary-General, mainly because he is unable to pronounce his name.

The American position is opposed, predictably, by Venezuela's personal leader, Hugo Chavez. His view is that a US invasion would be yet another blow by the West against the poor of the Third World. "If this aggressive action is undertaken," he fulminated, "half the coca bean growers in Latin America would go out of business."

British attaché Gregory T. Mullet said of the UK position, "America is our oldest ally. In fact, nobody else likes us at all. Except the Portuguese, and who counts them? Besides, our troops are the best trained in the world in fitting in with local cultures. If they have to go in at Glastonbury, they'd be in there like a jiffy swigging gallons of cider, scaling fences and bawling out brainless song choruses."

Tomorrow's draft resolution that clubs and venues boycott appearances by Winehouse has been criticised on the grounds that she has been doing a pretty good job of that by herself. The suggestion of a more general boycott has been met by mass demonstrations around the world. Protestors object on humanitarian grounds that this would cut off vital life-giving supplies like Morphine, Mandrax and Tattooists' addresses.

French President M. Sarkozy (sic) is known to be scornful of the US position, but critics point out that his comments are undermined by the large orders of dry white Muscadet received by Winehouse.

If the crisis is not resolved soon, security experts warn that there could be a spate of suicidal binge attacks, that Winehouse's UK followers could be radicalised and start wearing the Beehive, and, worst of all, that Michael Moore could make another movie.
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