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29th July
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Exclusive: Disastrous flooding could happen again, sometime

The disastrous flooding which devastated parts of Yorkshire, Gloucestershire and Berkshire this summer could happen again, DeadBrain can exclusively reveal. A leading scientist has told DeadBrain that the flooding, which it is believed was caused mainly by heavy rain, could return if it rains heavily in the future.

Professor Gregory T Mullet from Bootle University's Institute for Climate and Clematis Studies verified his status as a leading scientist to DeadBrain by virtue of his white coat and slightly mad hair. "It's impossible to say whether or not it will rain as heavily as it did this summer again, and if it does whether or not there will be severe flooding," he said. "But it might and if it does there might be severe flooding. That much we know for certain."

Were severe floods to happen again, thousands of homes could be ruined at a cost of 3bn or more. Millions of people could die or be otherwise inconvenienced.

Speaking from his bicycle in between gasps for breath, the spoof Conservative MP and mayoral candidate Boris Johnson criticised the government's failure to combat the rain threat. "For all of his... ten years of power, Gordon Brown has done nothing to stop... it raining," he said. "In fact, since he became... Prime Minister, it has rained more... than ever."

"Britain would be sunnier under the Conservatives!" he added, before hitting a tree.

Inside your Daily Express 20-page flooding apocalypse pull-out:

  • New link between floods and cancer

  • Floods will cause house price crash, say experts

  • Did floods kill Diana?

  • Prince Philip caught doing rain dance during floods exclusive pictures

  • Tenuous link between floods and wet t-shirt competitions fully explored through photo album and DVD tie-in
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