News Satire Spoof Parody Humour John Prescott
18th April
Updated from time to time

Jedi knight demands right to carry laser weapon in school

The right to wear religious symbols in school has been asserted by a fifth form pupil and practicing Jedi Knight at the High Court.

Gregory T Mullet, from Cannock, arrived flanked by senior officials of the UK Jedi Council to challenge his expulsion from Vale End High School for refusing to remove his lightsabre during a geography lesson. The court heard that Gregory was sent home indefinitely after being found with the laser-based weapon under his cloak.

The counsel for Vale End School argued that the decision did not breach Greg's human rights. "This is not a headscarf or even a chastity ring, this is a lethal weapon more suitable for battling an army of Sith Lords on a moon of Endor," he said.

Judge Douglas Ramsbottom QC heard that the carrying of a lightsabre was an integral part of the Jedi religion, mainly used for symbolic purposes but also as a means of fighting the dark side.

At one point Gregory, 15, approached the bench and handed Judge Ramsbottom a handwritten note. Stepping back, he gazed hypnotically into the judge's eyes and was heard to instruct "This is the decision you are looking for". Judge Ramsbottom appeared momentarily bewildered before seeming to snap out of it and held the boy in contempt.

The result of the case will have serious implications for the Jedi community in the UK. Jediism has joined a long list of so-called "new age" beliefs systems that include Scientology, Ninjistu and Protestantism. Believers say it is in no way merely an excuse to piss around on the Census form.

Gregory's mother, Mrs Mullet, appeared unsupportive outside the court. "We've been trying to get him out of this wicked religion for the past two years," she said. "He's become indoctrinated and regularly performs 'Jedi mind tricks' on his little sister. Poor thing doesn't know whether she's coming or going."

A decision is expected next week.
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