Libbygate: Bush to solve entire UK prison population crisis
New measures will swiftly be put in place to streamline the judicial process and achieve a hitherto unheard-of transparency and accountability in sentencing. In what is being hailed as a departure from the whitewash inquiries and dubiously-quashed investigations of the Blair era, law-enforcement agencies and the judiciary will have a completely free hand to prosecute and convict absolutely anyone, regardless of political fallout. However, those unfortunate enough to be found guilty and sentenced to jail will – subject to certain considerations – simply receive a Presidential dispensation and be set free.
A spokesman for the President has moved swiftly to reassure the general public of his view on the continuing relevance of the UK and indeed the US legal system, telling a panel of High Court judges in an ad-libby statement today, "I don't give a rat's ass."
With the prison population still at crisis level, Bush is confidently expected to be able to "Libby-rate" existing inmates at the rate of thousands a day. The man who so ably demonstrated his monopoly on get-out-of-jail-free cards in the US is even set to bring in an innovative system of "prison credits" whereby potential criminals, those with the right political connections at any rate, can "offset" any future offences which might carry a custodial sentence.
The Bush initiative has not been met with wholehearted joy by the prison population, though. In a survey carried out by DeadBrain at HMP Bootle, prisoner Greg Mullet, convicted of an impressive string of offences ranging from illegal wire-tapping through kidnapping to conspiracy to mass murder, said he didn't want "the likes of Animal George" sitting in judgment on him. Another prisoner, Douglas Ramsbottom, jailed for merely telling a few "porkies" over his wife's tax bill, told DeadBrain he didn't want the stigma of being freed by the US president, "People will think I'm as bad as that dreadful Fibby Libby chap."
Meanwhile back in Washington, White House pundits suggest that while the wheels may not have come off the presidential scooter, it could prove rather prone to backfiring.