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25th April
Updated from time to time
The Royals

Diana crash to be turned into musical and TV show

Crash! Bang! Wallop! What a show! Roll up, roll up, folks! There's a new hit musical speeding towards the London stage and its brakes don't work.

With lyrics by Ben Elton and music by a past-it British rock band of yesteryear (tba), "Last Uno in Paris" promises to be the latest West End smash (literally) to persuade hordes of American tourists to part with their cash. With Eric Idle rejecting the idea of writing "Crashalot", it was left to the double-seat-loving Elton to pen the words to the new extravaganza which will be set in a Paris underpass and feature all-dancing, all-singing French paramedics, doctors and paparazzi.

Over the next eight months the BBC are to run a primetime show on Saturday evenings (to be repeated on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday with follow-ups on BBC Three, a tie-in book and live web streaming of the Diana Fountain) called "Strictly Come Dying" in a bid to find a suitably desperate actress to play Diana. Stupid members of the public will be able to waste their money phoning in to vote for their favourite stiff.

"We're looking for someone with blonde hair who can basically keep still for two hours and play dumb," said Graham Norton, who added that Boris Johnson had already expressed an interest in the part.

The show, sponsored by Mercedes and Harrods, will centre on the mysterious white Fiat Uno that is said to have caused Diana's limousine to crash. The unexplained deadly fatal crash, which killed Diana, her boyfriend and their pissed driver almost ten years ago, has been the cause of much controversy and speculation, culminating in this latest money-spinner. Many nutters with nothing better to do believe the white Fiat, which doesn't exist, was driven deliberately at the Mercedes by an assassin. The BBC will also be running a search for a Prince Philip look-alike to play the Uno's

"This is a fuggin' great idea," said cornershop owner Mohammed Al-Fayed. "Now the truth about how the fuggin' royal family killed my beloved son, and that woman he was doing, will come out."

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