Police create crime wave to meet arrest quota
16 May 2007 by Ben Bostrom
The Metropolitan Police Commissioner, Sir Ian Blair – related only by incompetence to the Prime Minister – admitted today that crime has risen dramatically over the past three months. The crime wave, documented by the Police's own arrest figures, has shown no sign of stopping in the foreseeable future, with almost ten per cent more arrests each month than the previous one.When asked why he thinks so many more crimes have been committed recently, Sir Ian seemed preoccupied. All he would say is that he has been very disappointed in his subordinates' performance recently. Since the government increased arrest quotas, almost exactly three months ago, police officers all over London have worked around the clock, at a bare minimum expense in overtime claims, to meet them. However, they have found it incredibly difficult to find enough crimes to solve in order to achieve their target. Many have had to resort to enforcing even the most petty and out-dated laws of the land.
One man was cautioned yesterday for nudging a swan out of his way with his foot, or "maliciously assaulting an unarmed, defenceless creature, vandalising property of her royal majesty, the Queen" as the arresting officer was forced to describe the incident in his report. The perpetrator of this horrendous act was told that if the wounds he inflicted on the bird proved fatal, he would be arrested for treason, and could face a life sentence in a maximum security prison if room could be found for him. The victim of the grievous assault was rushed to a veterinary hospital by Rolf Harris. Its condition is not yet known, but Mr Harris was reportedly unoptimistic as he entered the operating theatre wielding a didgeridoo.
The real victims of this latest crime wave, as usual, are the poor saps who have been arrested for mediocre "crimes". Two such victims, reportedly youths in the Westminster area of London, were arrested this morning for the possession of potentially lethal firearms (two Super Soakers) with intent to use in anger.
Boris Johnson later blasted the Police, albeit only verbally, for intentionally misrepresenting his regular duel with John Prescott. "John and I were settling our differences in the mature and responsible way we always do, on College Green with water pistols," he said. "The two police constables who were caught in the crossfire showed absolutely no sense of humour. By arresting us both under the Terrorism Act they blew things totally out of proportion, when a good old-fashioned slap on the wrist and change of trousers would have done."
"And using tasers was really quite unnecessary," he added. "Have you seen what it's done to my hair?"
