Giuliani vows to banish Democrats "to hell"
8 May 2007 by Adam Tan
In a dramatic bid to shore up his rickety conservative credentials, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani this week promised to send "all Democrats to hell" if he is elected. "As my first official act I will issue an executive order directing Democrats, gays, terrorists, abortionists, and my ex-wives to report to hell at once," Giuliani declared in a speech before the Center for Retrogression, a conservative think-tank. "And they thought Gitmo was bad," Giuliani said in an attempt at humour that at least one listener found "ill-judged".In an exclusive interview with DeadBrain, Giuliani rejected claims that the speech represents a departure from his formerly tolerant attitude toward homosexuality and abortion. "I have nothing against people who make those choices," Giuliani said. "My point is simply that they face eternal damnation in Lucifer's fiery furnaces."
Constitutional scholars question whether the president has the authority to condemn citizens to the perpetual torments of the netherworld. "Even George W. Bush hasn't attempted to send people directly into the bowels of hell itself," said Douglas Ramsbottom, professor of presidential demonics at the University of Arkham. "Yes, Baghdad is scary, but there aren't raptors pecking people's eyes out on a daily basis," Ramsbottom noted. "Giuliani's move would be a truly unprecedented step."
Officials with hell have expressed consternation at Giuliani's proposal. "We have no goddamn room down here," said Moloch, hell's director of space utilization. "We just added on a new wing to hold neoconservatives and New Labour, and it's already filling up too rapidly for us to manage."
Moloch indicated that the Prince of Darkness (currently on attachment to the EU Commission) is considering "the establishment of tent cities just outside hell" to hold newcomers "until they can be processed into the system". Locations being considered for the tent cities include Somalia, Burma, and "wherever Dick Cheney happens to be at the moment". Cheney was unavailable for comment at press time.
