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31st October
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Mourinho: It's my party

After dropping vital Premiership points against Bolton and then losing to Liverpool in the Champions League semi-final, Josť Mourinho appeared to be in defiant mood to the media, beaming with pride about his players, whom he said were the better side in both the week's clashes.

However, shortly after arriving at London's swanky Bluebird restaurant for the club bash, onlookers said the controversial coach made it clear he was in no mood to party.

During club chairman Roman Abramovich's after dinner speech, Mourinho apparently put his fingers in his ears and started shouting "laaa laaa laaa laaa I can't hear you laaa laaa laaa", before slumping low in his chair and kicking club captain John Terry under the table. Unsure of how to react and thinking it was some kind of joke, both Abramovich and Terry cracked cautious smiles and the Chairman finished his address.

Shortly after, sources at the event say that Mourinho started throwing ice cream at Arjen Robben. Every time Robben looked to where it was coming from, Mourinho quickly turned away and acted innocent, but each time the striker returned to eating his dessert Mourinho would "pull spazz faces" behind his back and throw more ice cream.

Mourinho then reportedly walked past the seated players and ridiculed them one by one, pushing over their drinks and dropping left-over food in their hair. According to waiting staff, upon reaching Frank Lampard the Portuguese coach "bent himself double and mimicked a severely disabled person for about 30 seconds" before pretending to kick an imaginary ball and then scanning the room with his hand held above his eyes, as if to be looking for where the ball went.

One waiter said: "It's like he was saving the worst for Frank. He put a lot of energy into his ridicule of him, falling to his knees before laying on the floor in a ball with his tongue pushed into his chin with his eyes rolled back. It was surreal."

The outspoken manager then leapt up and grabbed the golden football he'd donated for the club's player of the season award, and stuffed it up his shirt saying that it was his and no-one could have it. He continued his bizarre behaviour towards players and guests by snatching drinks off them and screaming that they also belonged to him, before finally turning to the astonished crowd and yelling "I hate you I hate you I hate you!" and running upstairs.

Club officials declined to comment further on the affair until they'd spoken properly with Mourinho. However, club chief executive Peter Kenyon said: "Jose's clearly upset. We'll sit down with him to discuss the episode and hopefully that will be before bed time." He added: "At present, Jose's locked himself in his office, but has indicated by way of a note under the door that he's sorry and will come out if Roman goes away."

An official statement is expected from the club before school tomorrow.
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