Bush names Barney Attorney General
22 Apr 2007 by Adam Tan
Seeking to draw a line under a burgeoning corruption scandal at the Department of Justice, President Bush yesterday announced he was nominating his dog Barney to replace Alberto Gonzales as attorney general. It is believed to be the first time that a mammal in the genus canis has been nominated to fill a cabinet position."President Bush has every confidence that Barney will be loyal, trustworthy, and brave," said spokeswoman Dana Perino. She praised Barney's ability to carry out vital tasks for the president, such as "fetching his slippers and the morning paper." Perino brushed aside a reporter's question concerning Barney's legal qualifications, noting that Barney had played a critical behind-the-scenes role in many of the administration's most important legal controversies. "Barney's support of military tribunals was crucial to persuading the Pentagon to adopt the idea," said a dog close to the White House, who spoke to DeadBrain on condition of anonymity.
Reaction to the move came largely along partisan lines. "I believe Barney can restore trust, decency, and the heart-warming love of man's best friend to the Justice Department," said Arlen Specter, a Republican Senator from Pennsylvania. Most Democrats were scathing. "Bush has simply replaced one lapdog with another," declared Henry Waxman, a California representative.
However, some Democrats were more cautious for fear of alienating the nation's dog owners. "I eagerly await learning Barney's opinions on the critical legal issues our country confronts," said Senator Hilary Rodham Clinton, the leading Democratic presidential aspirant. "I plan to judge him on his views, not his species."
Questions about Barney's judgement have already begun to surface. An amateur video recently posted on YouTube shows Barney aggressively chasing and eventually treeing a cat, apparently on Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas. In an exclusive interview with DeadBrain, the cat (named Ginger) asserted that Barney's actions were "unprovoked, unwelcome, and just plain rude". A spokesdog for Barney asserted that the events in the video "have been taken out of context".
Meanwhile, the Bush administration is contemplating action to force YouTube to take down the video. While moderates in the White House are advocating a measured response, Vice President Dick Cheney is reportedly pressing for "a campaign of arbitrary arrest and detention, followed by the carpet bombing of selected targets in Iran". It remains unclear whether Cheney's position will prevail, but a third American carrier group is reportedly steaming toward the Persian Gulf.
