Unmarried people with children more likely to be single parents
12 Apr 2007 by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake
People who aren't married that go on to have children are running the very real and serious risk of becoming single parents, a very important governmental dogsbody said at some point recently, perhaps yesterday. Single parents, who mysteriously manage to have children without the aid of a partner or a wedding ceremony, are widely believed to be unpleasant council estate types who wear gold earrings and tracksuits, cause trouble and bring up their unruly offspring to be criminals, Labour councillors and ne'er-do-wells. "Thankfully the outbreak appears to have been contained pretty much within the working classes," said the dogsbody, "although sadly I've heard cases of a few middle class people tragically succumbing to the condition. Obviously we're offering them counselling and the chance to sell their stories to The Sunday Times."
"We want to discourage single parents from procreating," said an un-named source called Gordon Brown, "they are a nuisance who just bring more and more single people into the world which we don't want."
The government is now planning to "pair-up" single parents in a bid to fool the statistics. "If we force one single parent to move in with another single parent it'll free up a lot of space for more casinos, Starbucks and American airbases," said Mr Brown, whose own parents were single until they got married, "and it'll mean the police will have less paperwork to fill out when they're issuing ASBOs and stuff."
Other statistics revealed today include:
- Almost 100% of all single parents aren't married
- The children of single parents are commonly known as 'chavs' or 'Lee', 'Darren', 'Wayne' or 'Tracey'
- 93% of single parents don't realise how their first child came into existence which is why some of them go on to have 7 or 8 of the buggers, all of whom you and I are now paying for with our hard-earned taxes
- 9 out of 10 children from one-parent families are on first name terms with their local chip shop owner, yet they are still refused credit as they can't really be trusted
- One-parent families spread diseases such as yellow-fever, tonsillitis and rabies, the only cure for which is to get married or listen to the Archers for extended periods of time
- If you are in the UK there is a 22% chance that you are reading this article on a stolen computer that was sold to you by the thieving child of single parent (however if you are in Manchester the chances are that you are unable to read this because a) your computer was nicked b) you are unable to read or c) you are out stealing)
- If all the single parents in the UK were lined up end to end it would be the longest police identity parade in history
- A gang of 20 single parents can strip a Ford Mondeo to its chassis in less than 90 seconds
- Single parents have no word for broccoli
- Over half of children from single parent households believe that the BBC's Crimewatch is a soap opera, featuring people they know, rather than a show appealing for help solving real crimes
