Baghdad cat gets stuck up tree
An Iraqi cat was counting itself really lucky today after being rescued from a palm tree in the Al-Ameerkat district of Baghdad. The feline's ordeal was the latest in a recent spate of terrifying incidents to beset the Iraqi capital. Last week a paperboy in Tarrant City suffered a punctured tyre on his rounds, whilst in downtown Al-Bridgetjonesabad an unfortunate elderly women stubbed her toe on a medium-sized stone shortly after a visit to the hairdresser to have her moustache permed.
The Persian/European shorthair cross called "Fordmondeo" is now believed to be considering selling his story to several British newspapers for large piles of cash and several cans of tuna, having spent almost three quarters of an hour stuck in the branches of the tree. Fordmondeo had been frantically meowing to passers-by for some thirty minutes after climbing the tree to eat coconuts and lick his bottom. Luckily a very nice person, who has since been killed to death by a bomb in a bomb attack somewhere else, alerted some nice firemen who cut short an important tea-break to bravely chop the tree down using a specially prepared mixture of kumquats, marmite and semtex.
has now vowed to track down the offending tree and bring it to justice after it ran off. "We've already organised a palm-pilot to fly it to Guantanamo Bay once it's been captured," the incredibly stupid leader of the free world said after he'd finished school.
The Mayor of Baghdad, Steve Al-Prittstick bin Churchill-Hussein, who cannot be named, praised the efforts of the firemen in rescuing the distressed animal. "I'd advise the firemen to sell their heroic stories to the British Sun or Mirror newspapers immediately. I am and I was hardly involved until just now."
Iraq news in brief A hose-pipe ban has been introduced in Basra, sparking calm scenes in the city's streets. "What's a hose-pipe?" said one woman.
A Tikrit man has been found guilty of driving a goat without due care and attention. He was sentenced to death and ordered to re-take his test.
Hopes that bear-baiting will be introduced as a discipline at the next Olympics were dashed yesterday when IOC officials announced they would not be adding any new sports to their list. The Iraqi Bear-Baiting Society expressed dismay at the 'short-sighted' decision which it said would result in hundreds of bears being sold into prostitution as a result.
Plans to install a Starbucks in every Iraqi home moved a step closer last week with the announcement that buying coffee from anyone else is to be outlawed and punishable by stoning. Each household will have to pay a small retainer before a countrywide fit-out of all domestic smallholdings starts in July, although each family will be entitled to free sugar and two skinny blueberry muffins per month.
All Baghdad children over the age of five are to become honorary policemen in a bid to reverse failing numbers of potential officers. A recent recruitment drive in the capital saw current officers handing out sweets and colouring-in books, cleverly disguised as job application forms.
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