A statement regarding current court action involving DeadBrain
"For the last two months, you may have noticed that DeadBrain has been operating at a reduced capacity. I am now in a position to clarify why. Both DeadBrain and its subsidiary company, DB Polonium (Bootle) Ltd, are involved in a protracted and costly court battle, in partnership with Ms Brenda Shuttleworth, a London-based escort, and the owners of Barry Scott's image rights. He stars in commercials for a popular household cleaning product.
"Until today we have been unable to report that we are involved in this court case due to an injunction which was obtained on behalf of someone we are prevented from naming. Following an appeal this afternoon, I am now able to confirm that the case also involves the Prime Minister and his Downing Street staff; John Prescott's tea lady; Lord Levy; the aforementioned Ms Shuttleworth and Mr Scott; and David Blunkett's dog. I am not at liberty to report the connection of these individuals to the court case or, indeed, each other.
"Our next hearing will be on 8 May, after which I hope to be able to reveal the full details of our original story. In the interim, I am referring all enquiries to Assistant Commissioner John Yates at the Metropolitan Police and Inspector Douglas Ramsbottom of Bootle Flying Squad.
"I hope readers will understand that at present a great deal of our time is taken up by this court case, and as such our usually impeccable publishing schedule may be disrupted. We are also limited in what we can report on, and have been expressly forbidden by court order to mention Boris Johnson's hair in connection with this case. For anyone to do so would be very foolish indeed."
Upon finishing his statement, Mr Mullet was arrested under anti-terrorism legislation and immediately deported to the Guantanamo Bay holiday facility for an Easter break. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police declined to comment, but a leak is expected in a Sunday newspaper within the next two weeks.