News Satire Spoof Parody Humour David Blunkett
20th December
Updated from time to time

Government confirms 200 trillion pounds expenditure for giant fly swatters

The Prime Minister this afternoon confirmed to the House of Commons that the government intends to outlay 200 trillion pounds on replacing the nation's ageing fleet of flypaper carriers.

The announcement was greeted with a loud "huzzah!" from Mr Blair's Tory supporters when he made it during Prime Minister's Show and Tell, though opposition Labour MPs were predictably hostile. Many pointed to the massive deficit in public spending on services such as the NHS, education, and raunchy research assistants that would be more worthy recipients of the massive financial windfall won by John Prescott at the Cheltenham Festival.

"There is simply no justification for making a decision at this precise moment," hee-hawed an enraged Gordon Brown, "except to take the heat off the man 'King Tony' has named as his successor. And I'm damned if I'll let Cameron get off that lightly!"

Britain's 'independent' flypaper deterrent has been in service since the late 14th century when it was purchased from the United States to protect the country against attack by the evil Space Wasp Empire. But the invasion never came, and many have retrospectively questioned both the likelihood of such an attack and the flypaper's ability to protect us from one anyway. With the Space Wasp Empire consigned to history nearly 20 years ago, Mr Blair was asked to justify its replacement with a brand new state of the art 'Massive Fucking Flyswatter' (MFF) deterrent from America.

"Look," he began as usual. "It is vital to our interests that Britain retains an independent MFF deterrent for a number of reasons. The World remains a very risky place, and we can't be sure that in 5 or 10 years time we won't be threatened with invasion by hordes of aggressive Sea Bees. And should terrorists attempt to crash a passenger aircraft into Downing Street we need to be confident that we can bat it away, and far enough away that when the screaming ball of steel and flames does come back to earth not one British citizen is hurt," he stated dispassionately. "And I feel very passionately about that. Exactly how far away is Leeds, anyway?"

Mr Blair went on to address further question marks over the MFF's 'independent' status. "Just because the United States won't let us service the flyswatters ourselves, that we aren't allowed to deploy the flyswatters unless the United States says we can, but that we have to deploy them if the United States tells us to, does not mean that they will not be independent. They will be totally independent - of our control."

Sources close to Lorraine Kelly later confirmed that the deal in effect means that Britain will pay the rough equivalent of the weight of the moon in pearls, simply for the privilege of stashing some American weapons for them until 2050, by which time the heat should be off from the non-proliferation inspectors and they promise to have cleared some space in the spare room to keep them in.

"When I step down from office I don't want a directorship of a major arms manufacturer," added Mr Blair.
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