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21st April
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Fox News offers reward for "funny conservative"

Seeking to mount a "surge" of right wing humour, the American television network Fox News announced yesterday that it is offering a ,000 reward for "any information leading to the apprehension of a funny conservative". According to Fox spokesman Gregory T Mullet, "it's about time people understood how truly hilarious conservatism is." Mullet stated that "any right-winger able to produce even a wan smile in the audience may be eligible for the prize".

The bold move was prompted by lukewarm critical reaction to the network's initial effort at satire, a half-hour show entitled The Daily Bigot. "While some skits produced a little mirth, including one involving an illegal immigrant slipping on a banana skin, the overall effort was unimpressive," said freelance entertainment columnist Douglas Ramsbottom. He found a segment featuring Anne Coulter as an accident-prone abortion provider "especially ghastly".

Mullet conceded that the show has had "some teething pains", but maintained, "Once we find some ascertainably humorous reactionaries, you'll see this programme really take off." He asserted that the world is in a "golden age" of right-wing comics, including "Donald Rumsfeld, Iain Duncan-Smith, and Silvio Berlusconi, just to name the superstars". However, Mullet acknowledged that Fox thus far has had no success in signing up these "heavy-hitters", and instead has had to rely on "second-tier talent" like John McCain and Jade Goody.

Seeing humour as another front in the global war on terror, the Bush administration has taken a strong interest in the Fox News comedic initiative. Vice President Dick "Head" Cheney has encouraged Fox to "detain and waterboard" liberal comedians until they agree to deliver conservative jokes, according to a White House source. Mullet declined to comment on the waterboarding proposal, saying only that the network "is receiving excellent advice from numerous quarters". He admitted, however, that erasing the "conservative humour deficit" was unlikely to happen "in the near term".
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