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5th March
Updated from time to time
Bird Flu

Cash-for-honours probe "jeopardising" bird flu crisis plan

The police inquiry into cash-for-honours allegations has been slammed as "a frivolous distraction at a time of national emergency", in a shock announcement by Downing Street today. Millions of cynics up and down the country will be utterly astounded to learn that Lord Goldsmith, swiftly followed by a retinue of dutiful New Labour acolytes, has accused the Yard probe of harming intelligence co-operation with key ally Turkey, without which "vast swathes of the human population will needlessly be put at risk and the country plunged into economic ruin for generations to come".

As panic escalates yet further and the number of good days to bury bad interviews soars to an all-time high, it has emerged that the deadly virus swiftly spread over the weekend to a flock of headless chickens in Whitehall and even infected Tony Blair's pet cobra on Monday. Researchers are feverishly working night and day to ascertain whether it will further jump the species barrier to poodles, weasels, parrots, fat cats, and pigs at the trough.

Behind the scenes, Blair, whilst relishing the idea of a swan-song in the form of saving the entire planet from a global pandemic of apocalyptic proportions, is said to have had "the stuffing knocked out of him" by the Yard probe. Yet by all accounts, he still refuses to desist from ducking questions or to pluck up courage to make a clean breast of it all, sing like a canary, and claw back some respect.

A very well-placed source in the Downing Street pecking order told DeadBrain, "What is being publicly dismissed as a mere flap over a few donors feathering their nests is privately well and truly setting the cat amongst the pigeons. There's a real prospect of a serving Prime Minister up before the beak and doing bird. His goose is well and truly cooked."

His legacy, according to insider gossip, will be "a leadership not so much worried by dead sheep but by live turkeys".

The President of the United States was unavailable for comment.

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