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18th April
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Blair medical records leaked in NHS database security fiasco

Tony Blair's full medical records have this week been obtained by DeadBrain in a sensational scoop coming amid rising public outrage over privacy and security implications of the NHS centralised Spine patient database.

Blair's supposedly highly confidential medical history was first leaked by a disaffected hospital cleaner whose Council Tax had gone up by 300% due to having a hospital in her "nice" area. The information has since been corroborated by other sources: a programmer in Bangalore; a patient looking over a surgery receptionist's shoulder; a reporter who purchased a link to Blair's records for "research"; Patricia Hewitt's dustman; another reporter who got to Patricia Hewitt's dustbin before the dustman did; a 12-year-old computer hacker; and several members of the security services bored with their day jobs.

Blair, it transpires, has suffered from a litany of embarrassing medical complaints only very reluctantly discussed with his doctor in strictest confidence, and which look set to keep the tabloids titillated for months on end. Accounts of his intimate conversations with his GP, all his lab test results, his "lifestyle rating" for entitlement to further treatment, and even his doctor's personal opinions of his patient, are now available, not just for 250,000 authorised staff and their hangers-on to enjoy, but the public at large.

Of greatest public concern is the startling news that Blair has had a series of referrals to the Bootle Acute Psychiatric Unit, exhibiting symptoms of paranoia, delusions of grandeur, sociopathic tendencies, obsessive-compulsive disorder triggered by the word "surveillance", and psychologically-induced deafness and blindness whenever the words "extraordinary" and "rendition" occur in the same sentence.

A distraught Blair was today overheard spluttering down the phone, "It's an absolute outrage! How dare you put all this stuff on your database without asking me? It's a complete fabrication anyway. I'm not mentally ill for a start, anyone can see that, and anyway do you seriously think I'd have told my GP all that personal stuff if I thought it was going to be splashed all over the media? It's a gross infringement of my civil liberties and don't give me that 'nothing to hide, nothing to fear' stuff, Patricia, I've heard that one before, you know. I can't help it if I've got, you know, well ... er ..."

In a statement from the Department of Health, senior IT project manager Greg Mullet moved swiftly to reassure Mr Blair and the public in general that the database design does meet "the most stringent of security standards in safeguarding 'sealed envelopes' of sensitive medical information such as public figures' medical records and other instances where disclosure would be inappropriate".

However Mullet later told DeadBrain off the record: "Though this hasn't actually been implemented yet and even if it were, it would cost another 12bn and probably wouldn't work anyway." After a brief pause while he auctioned the medical records of one of the UK's spy chiefs on eBay, Mullet added, "Blair can think himself lucky his records didn't get input wrongly, or mixed up with someone else's, or even maliciously 'doctored' as far as we know, that is. But we can't go round telling people that, can we?"
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