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19th April
Updated from time to time

Labour peace shattered as Blair complains of Chancellor's "intolerable DIY"

The fragile peace within Labour Party ranks was dramatically shattered today as Prime Minister Tony Blair attacked Chancellor Gordon Brown's "intolerable DIY". Mr Blair interrupted This Morning's 'noisy neighbours' phone-in to tell a stunned Fern Britton, "Gordon is always hammering on the walls and banging around rearranging furniture." With thudding sounds clearly audible in the background, an incensed Prime Minister continued, "I put him in charge of the economy but he only seems interested in making home improvements. Forget boom or bust, all you get from him is bang bang bang on the walls!"

The Chancellor immediately hit back, claiming he was making Number 11 Downing Street more environmentally friendly by installing solar panels in the attic. Mr Brown, furious at what he perceived to be another attempt at character assassination by the Prime Minister, declared that "if a certain somebody hadn't been so keen to invade Iraq, perhaps I would have some cash left at the Treasury to spend on making us all more environmentally friendly".

The fallout from this latest war of words was soon reverberating around the walls of Westminster, with pockets of violence erupting between Brownite Jets and Blairite Sharks. Meanwhile, tourists visiting the London Eye reported seeing rubbish thrown back and forth over the hedge which separates Number 10 from Number 11 Downing Street.

A mid-afternoon MORI poll, suggesting the Chancellor's energy-conserving actions had gained him two extra popularity points, encouraged Brown to press further in the evening. "I will be introducing a bill to Parliament banning the use of all tanning lotions and other animal-tested vanity products by members of government," announced the Chancellor in a clear snipe at the image-conscious Prime Minister. A disgruntled Mr Blair countered by saying he had already swapped his electric guitar for one powered by hot water, he would soon be adopting a whale, and he had never worn lipstick.
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