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21st April
Updated from time to time

Fears over North Korea eased by new Downing Street dossier

Growing fears of a nuclear strike by North Korea have been eased by a dossier released by Downing Street which concludes that the nation is "45 years away" from acquiring the bomb. The dossier, sourced from an A-Level student's half-term project, explains that North Korea's leader, Dr Kim Jong-Evil, is a "reasonable man of sound mind who has no interest in nor intention of attempting to produce nuclear weapons".

Commenting on the suspected nuclear test carried out earlier this month, the dossier expresses extreme doubt at the validity of the reports, suggesting instead that "the shockwaves were far more likely the product of a loud rock concert or rowdy football match".

The public will be relieved to hear the government's assessment of North Korea as ranking only 49th in the league of most frightening states, behind the likes of Tonga, Wales and The City of Manchester.

However, not everyone is convinced by the dossier. Cynics point to the statement made by Dr Evil in 2003 when he announced that he wanted to "turn the world into a nuclear wasteland with me as its leader". Regular shipments of aluminium centrifuges and weapons-grade plutonium, possibly originating from the UK, have also reportedly been seen entering ports in North Korea. Downing Street dismissed these concerns, saying, "Just trust us; we know the facts. Dr Evil is harmless."
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