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30th September
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Constituents request Jack Straw wears veil

Members of Jack Straw's Blackburn constituency banded together yesterday to request that the former Foreign Secretary wear a veil during interviews with them. "He's so ugly he makes my eyes water. I simply can't concentrate with that face staring at me," said a party member, who requested anonymity because of fears his comments might affect his chances of spending his declining years in the political wilderness with Mr Straw.

Another associate of the MP complained of his nose hair. "It moves while you're speaking to him, flicking from one side to the other. I struggled not to throw up."

"Normally we would consider a non-believer who wears a veil to be blasphemous, but this is an emergency," said Douglas Ramsbottom, a leading member of the Muslim community. Supporters of Mr Straw, whilst conceding that he is not Brad Pitt, compare his face favourably to that of a manatee

David Cameron, sensing the possibility of some votes, backed calls for the Labour MP to 'take the veil'. "It will help him integrate with the local Muslim community," he said. "It's important that we break up these ghettos of white male politicians that exist in our country. There is real evidence that this group is leading a parallel life to the rest of society."

Mr Straw, however, was unmoved. "Ugliness is British. It has been for years, it's one of the easiest ways to tell a compatriot abroad. We should be proud of it and display it openly. One of our main policies for integrating ethnic minorities is to stop British culture from changing; otherwise immigrants won't know what to integrate to. As such it is important that nobody changes what they do in any way whatsoever, except of course the ethnic minorities. By supporting this proposed change to my behaviour Mr Cameron is undermining British culture."

DeadBrain was unable to view Mr Cameron's response, which came in the form of a video of him emptying a washing machine, due to severe nausea.
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