News Satire Spoof Parody Humour John Prescott
25th April
Updated from time to time

Boris Johnson assaults Jamie Oliver in eating frenzy

Fresh controversy engulfed the Tory Party Conference today as Boris Johnson attempted to eat Jamie Oliver at a fringe meeting debating school dinners. Johnson had to be restrained by other delegates as he launched out of his chair and lunged at Oliver, who was delivering a speech on healthy eating at the time. Johnson managed to bite a piece of flesh out of Oliver's right arm before being wrestled to the ground and handcuffed.

Johnson, known for his large appetite, could earlier be seen salivating and licking his lips as the succulent Oliver headed for the stage to begin his speech. It is believed that the large queues at the conference canteen, caused by security and policing problems, may have prevented Johnson from consuming any food earlier in the day, and could help to explain his ravenous behaviour at the meeting.

It isn't the first time father-of-eight Johnson has attempted to eat a colleague. Michael Howard famously revealed that after a long day of campaigning in the build-up to last year's General Election, he had fallen asleep in Conservative Party HQ only to wake up and find Johnson nibbling on one of his thighs. "I'm just glad I managed to wake up when I did," said Howard, "or who knows how far he might have gone,"

To avoid further incidents, Tory delegates have been told to carry in their pockets a cooked chicken leg and pork pie, which can be used to fend off Johnson should he choose to attack again.
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