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27th April
Updated from time to time

Muslims upset by Pope 'violent' jibe

Pope 'Don't mention the war' Benedict XVI has rocked the Islamic world by implying that Christians have, historically, not been overly-keen on them and their ways.

In a speech on Tuesday the pontiff said the Prophet Mohammed had brought only "evil and inhuman" things, a quote originally attributed to a 14th Century Christian Emperor but that has now been identified as Monday's editorial in the Daily Mail.

"Look", Pope Benny exclaimed, "I spotted this article and thought it was the sort of modern, progressive thinking we need in today's society."

As head of an ancient sect that claims all non-believers will burn in excruciating pain for eternity, the Pope went on to issue a sincere apology.

"I'm sorry," he said, then muttered, "Yeah. Sorry you're not Christians!" whilst flicking the Vs with one hand behind the other, a gesture unseen by the press but clearly visible to his Christian mates behind.

Political and religious leaders around the Muslim world criticised the remarks and said they are sick of people linking Islam with violence.

After street protests and fire-bombings of churches, Malaysian Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said the outrage felt by Muslims "should not be underestimated".

The Vatican played down rumours the Pope fancied starting a 'ruck' with his eye on becoming the first Christian martyr for generations.

Sources close to the pontiff have remarked that he is "jealous" of predecessor Pope John Paul II's drive-by shooting and feels something similar would secure his place in history and, of course, in heaven.

"One thing he does like about Islam," one confidant disclosed, "is the idea of 72 virgins. He's going to see if he can use his influence to get that added to our Heaven."
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