Blair 'offered to resign' in exchange for US$500,000
29 Aug 2006 by Keith Porterfield
New tensions between 'New' Labour leader Tony Blair, 'New Old' Labour leader Gordon Brown and 'New New' Labour leader John Reid emerged last night as an e-mail leaked to DeadBrain revealed that the Prime Minister last week offered to resign his post in exchange for a one-off compensatory payment of US$500,000. The offer, e-mailed to Mr Brown and copied to the Cabinet, was apparently made under 'extreme stress' after years of 'suspicious umpiring decisions' by the PM finally prompted several Labour workers and backbench MPs to consider registering a protest by not turning up when Parliament reconvenes next month. The genesis of the unrest is thought to be Mr Blair's decision in 2002 to award Iraq a five-week bombardment penalty for unproved suspicion of bomb tampering but reached fever pitch this week after his recent handling of the Israel vs. Hezbollah contest.
The e-mail was leaked by 'New New' Labour leader and 'Protector of the Universe' Dr Reid in an apparent attempt to "put the kybosh" on plans for a quick handover of power between Mr Blair and Mr Brown.
Titled 'The Way Forward', the e-mail read:
Gordon, just to firm up what we discussed 12 years ago at John Smith's funeral. I appreciate I may have put the country in an untenable position in relation to decisions made since 1997 and am therefore prepared to retire/stand down/relinquish my position to take effect from 31st August 2006 on the following terms:Dr Reid defended the leaking of the e-mail last night, saying, "As a Doctor I sensed Tony was suffering from severe stress and was obviously not thinking clearly. It is with his health in mind and for the safety of the nation in general that I felt I had an obligation to release this information."
- A one-off payment to compensate the loss of future earnings and retainer payment over the next 2 years which I believe would have been the best years I have to offer the country. This payment is to be the sum of [US dollars] 500,000. This sum to be paid directly into Cherie's account by 31st August 2006.
- You may announce the retirement in any way you wish but I would prefer the simple 'lifestyle choice' as I will be relocating to Barbados (tax-free, Gordon!)
- This offer in no way precludes me earning millions in the future from after dinner speeches and my novel, 'George and Me - Pinpoint Bombing the Hurdles of Love'.
Meanwhile, 'New New New' Labour leader David Cameron was unavailable for comment. He is said to be busy dealing with his own party's internal disputes following his controversial recent criticism of Manchester City defender Ben Thatcher.
Liberal Democrat leader Sir Menzies Campbell was also unavailable as he was too busy trying to persuade Charles Kennedy to go out for a pint.
