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27th April
Updated from time to time

New security measure: curry banned on all flights

The government today announced its latest masterstroke in the war on terror by banning curry from all flights into and out of the country.

"We know these nasty ne'er-do-wells eat buckets of the stuff," said John 'Who you looking at, Jimmy?' Reid, "so by not allowing it on planes we think they'll probably just not bother. I think our Balti Ban will greatly reduce the number of undesirable people going on holiday by air. It will also make the aircraft cabins smell a lot nicer. Instead everyone will now be able to eat lots more lovely haggis."

A spokesman from BAA outlined the details of the new security sanctions:

"Anyone caught in possession of chicken tikka, lamb bhuna or any type of poppadom making equipment will be subjected to a strip search followed by an extended stay at the Metropolitan Police's London hotel in Paddington Green. Liquids such as dall, Kingfisher or Cobra beer, lime pickle and mango chutney are also forbidden. In addition to this we are also banning small mints and hot microwavable towels from being taken through security."

John Prescott, who earlier this week narrowly avoided being appointed Minister For Fitness, is understood to have been deeply opposed to the measure.

The Home Office was unable to confirm whether the ban would extend to former MP Edwina Curry or former Blue Peter presenter Mark Curry, but the Flight Attendants' Association is understood to be in favour of not having to look after either of them.

A spokesman for David Cameron meanwhile said that the Conservative leader welcomed any measure that helped reduce the number of greenhouse gases released into the atmosphere.
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