Number '4' retired in Whiteley tribute
Greg Mullet, speaking outside Downing Street, revealed plans to slowly phase out the number '4', before its eventual replacement in early 2007.
"After a long consultation process, it has been decided that retiring the number formerly known as '4' is the most fitting way of honouring a true modern hero," began Mr Mullet, reading a memo pinned to a goose. "A new number will be introduced this autumn to fit between 3 and 5."
It is widely expected that the new number will be pronounced "Whiteley", and will feature most of the properties formerly possessed by '4', as well as some minor improvements.
"'Whiteley' will be divisible in two to make two, and of course by itself to make one," explained Professor Douglas Ramsbottom, Lincoln University's expert in numbers below ten. "Early indications show that 'Whiteley' times two will make eight, but some Labour backbenchers would like to see it equal ten."
In a further tribute to the late Mr Whiteley's long association with the circular Countdown Clock, it is rumoured that the value of pi will be reassessed to bring it in line with 'Whiteley'.
Former tennis star Pat Rafter was sadly unavailable for comment.