"Spanking" to be introduced to British legal system
3 Aug 2006 by Lee
In a move that is promised to "shake the British legal system to its very core," the Government has announced that corporal punishment will be reintroduced.Following months of controversy and speculation, Home Secretary and former porn star John Reid has conceded that sending criminals to prison does not work. Therefore, prison sentences will be scrapped in the shake-up, along with alternatives to prison such as electronic tagging, ASBOs and asking criminals nicely not to re-offend.
Instead, anyone convicted in Britain will be subject to what has been labelled the "Spanking System". There will be three levels of punishment that will be implemented based upon the severity of the crime.
- For minor offences such as shoplifting, burglary and accepting cash for peerages, the punishment will be a slap across the wrists.
- Medium level offences including armed robbery, child abuse and fraud will be dealt with by a smack on the bottom.
- And the worst offenders such as murderers, drug dealers and people who support David Cameron will be struck three times on the bottom with a cane.
The Criminal Spanking Act has met with support from MPs of all parties, including Mark Oaten. Tony Blair was particularly vocal in his support of the initiative. Speaking at his monthly news conference he said whilst gesticulating: "As I have always said, Labour is the party of law and order in Britain today.
"As we cascade and transcend towards a new era of justice and respect on our streets, we must understand that imprisonment as it is and as it was, was not without its flaws. It's not so much about raising our hands and striking in anger, it's more about striking a blow for respect and leaving a feint red mark as a symbol of justice."
The Bill is expected to pass through the House of Commons after the summer recess and the Spanking System will be introduced in 2008. At this time, all remaining prisoners will be released and spanked accordingly.
For new convicts, spankings will take place in court immediately after trial and will be carried out by specially trained Spanking Officers.
Anyone wishing to become a Spanking Officer should contact the office of the newly appointed Minister for Spanking, Mistress Monica Hardslap, on 0906 7527277 for details on how to join an authorised Spank Camp, or visit her website at www.spankingforjustice.gov.uk.
