Government to enforce happiness orders
1 Aug 2006 by Malcolm Drury
Stung by the UK's low ranking in a world happiness table, Prime Minister Tony "Yo" Blair has announced the introduction of happiness orders to ensure that all UK residents cheer up.A study conducted by the University of Leicester compiled data from 178 countries and 100 global studies to map each country's level of happiness. Denmark was placed first, followed by Switzerland, Austria and Iceland. The UK came a dismal 41st, 18 places behind the USA and 33 behind the small Himalayan nation of Bhutan.
Speaking to reporters following his meeting with his new American best friend, California Governor and former actor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr Blair said that it is palpably obvious that under his leadership it is absurd for any Briton to be unhappy.
The only saving grace to this embarrassing finding, he added, is that France is in 62nd place.
Mr Blair said that in order to improve the UK's happiness rating Happiness And Serenity Binding Orders (HASBOs) are to be placed on anyone found to be "wilfully unhappy in a public place with the intent to make others miserable". Traffic wardens and lollypop persons are to be given special powers to enforce the HASBOs, leaving police free to deal with recording statistics on other anti-social behaviour such as vomiting in the street, joyriding, handbag-snatching and being a Tory.
Anyone on whom a HASBO is placed will be required to attend happiness assertiveness training at centres that are to be established across the UK.
Douglas Ramsbottom, court jester at Number Ten, has been given a mandate to establish the training programmes. He told reporters that his initial thinking was that offenders would be required to watch repeats of the old BBC series "Civilisation" until they cheered up, but that he was open to other suggestions.
