News Satire Spoof Parody Humour David Blunkett
26th April
Updated from time to time

Paedophile crackdown: Children to be banned from going outside

Children in the US could be banned from "going outside, using electronic devices and talking to anyone" under a new law. The 'Deleting All Predators Act', which was passed with a majority of 295 in the House of Representatives, tries to limit the access children have to paedophiles.

"For too long children have had access to paedophiles on every street corner, and with new technology like MyWeb and voice-over-telephone that access has become even easier," said Congressman Michael Fitzbandwagon. "Something must be done and fast."

Mr Fitzbandwagon's concerns came after researchers discovered that children are able to reveal personal information about themselves, such as their names, addresses and favourite bands, through verbal and electronic communication, potentially with paedophiles.

However, despite the Act's catchy name, critics have pointed out a number of flaws. "The Act doesn't actually 'delete' paedophiles they'll still be there, just not as near children," said Congressman Douglas Ramsbottom. "For that we need the 'Kill All People Who Look At Children In A Funny Way Act' which I proposed last year, but unfortunately I didn't have enough support from my colleagues to take it further that time around."

Senator Greg Mullet agrees that the Act doesn't go far enough. "Paedophiles will still be able to communicate with children through sign language and semaphore," he said. "The Act needs to be tightened so we can avoid the potentially dangerous situation of paedophiles communicating with children using flags from across the street."
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