Wrong type of heat causes huge delays on the tube
11 May 2006 by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake
The incompetent bunch of fatheads in charge of London Underground were bracing themselves for more criticism today after speed restrictions were imposed on sections of the capital's supposed transport system. Passengers on the District Line have been told by staff that trains will not be travelling above 20 miles an hour as it's too hot for their poor little trains who might burn their ickle wheels on the nasty burning track.Tube drivers are notoriously prickly individuals, often preferring to remain off sick and play squash rather than do anything worthwhile like driving a train: "We can't go faster than 20 mph," said one alleged driver today, "otherwise we might spill tea down us – safety first!"
When asked for his comments on the situation mayor Ken Livingstone simply said: "I've introduced more buses."
Meanwhile, London Underground have admitted that last week one of its trains arrived on time, bringing yet more misery to the capital.
The incident occurred last Thursday morning on the busy stretch of the Northern Line which runs from south west to north London. The train from New Malden left thousands of unsuspecting passengers stranded at work early after safely depositing them at various stops on its way north. Passengers and staff reportedly stared "in horror and disbelief" as the train later rolled in to Edgware station bang on time at 9.47 am GMT.
Commuters were understandably left shaken by the event, whilst others were more angry: "It's outrageous," one snarled, "I deliberately left home thirty-five minutes before I needed to, as usual, yet instead - this happens! I turned up to work a whole quarter of an hour early...I mean it's just not on. My colleagues are getting suspicious and my boss won't believe the same story again!" Another commuter, who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals, simply said, "If this continues I'm going to have to get another job. I just can't take the stress any longer."
The police were quick to praise the tube's vastly overpaid employees who managed to limit the suffering of commuters with repeated garbled messages every ten seconds about the signals. Emergency procedures were also quickly invoked by the underground's dedicated managers. They ensured that specially trained staff were on hand at various stations to hand out life-saving bottles of water to distressed and disorientated passengers.
Passenger groups have called for a full and urgent inquiry. The incident is the latest to dog tube bosses who thought they had consigned punctuality to the history books. It comes just weeks after a Victoria Line train arrived back in Brixton with enough time to allow its passengers to catch the last bus. "We have suspended the driver, pending a full investigation," a London Underground spokesman was quoted as saying. "We would like to assure our customers that our usual crap service will be resumed as soon as we've all had a cup of tea and a good old whinge about the British public."
