Missing ex-prisoners: Government threatens to sue Microsoft
28 Apr 2006 by Malcolm Drury
As the crisis of confidence over the loss of dangerous foreign ex-prisoners grows, Charles Clarke, the embattled Home Secretary, has announced that the government is considering suing software behemoth Microsoft for damages, DeadBrain has learned. It has emerged that details of many of the most dangerous foreign prisoners freed without facing deportation cannot be found on Deeply Flawed, the national police computer.
A grim-faced and haggard Mr Clarke told reporters that Deeply Flawed uses Microsoft Home Office 2003 (Small Business Edition), and that has been confirmed as the source of the problem. He said that all details of the ex-prisoners had been properly entered into the computer database but a flaw in the software had irretrievably deleted them.
"Once we had identified the source of the problem we removed the software from the computer and took it back to Staples for a refund," he said. "Then we got on the phone to [Bill] Gates and told him that unless he antes up a million or so as compensation we'll sue him for ten times as much as punitive damages. That's how much we reckon it will cost in police overtime to find these people."
"I want to assure everybody, and especially the Prime Minister, that none of this was my fault. I don't even know how to use a computer," he added.
He ended by appealing to all missing ex-prisoners to come forward and register voluntarily. However, he said that as a back-up measure, in case the appeal fails, he had instructed Home Office officials to try Google in an attempt to locate the ex-cons.
Prime Minister Tony Blair was unavailable for comment. Downing Street officials would neither confirm nor deny speculation that he had locked himself in a lavatory and was loudly chanting "can't hear you, can't hear you".
