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Cameron wins over Labour voters
David Cameron guaranteed a Conservative win at the next election last night by announcing over 300 new Bank Holidays as part of his modernisation of the Conservative Party. In recognising the holidays of all world religions, the average British worker under the Tories will now only be expected to work eight days a year.
Cameron, having just cycled across the Thames after calming its turbulent waters, further amazed journalists in the parliamentary lobby by making his ten word speech without reference to any notes or prompts at all, saying: "We give the workers extra bank holidays from the Conservatives."
Then, in a surprise move, Cameron suddenly burst into song, adding: "I am the very model of a modern moderniser, Though many people think that I'm often non the wiser, The people they all love me but Margaret they despise her, That's why the Tories need me as their marketing adviser.
"I'm very well acquainted too with matters economical, I sank the pound with Norman which was really diabolical, I've asked three questions in the House and all were most nonsensical, some even say my questions three all bordered on the comical."
At this stage Cameron was suddenly joined by a chorus of MPs and journalists, including Boris Johnson, who all sang: "Some even say his questions three, all bordered on the comical," and then went about their ordinary business.
Doug Ramsbottom, head of the Manufacturing Union SODEM, said: "This is a great move and means my union will be backing the Tories from now on. With most of the UK's manufacturing jobs now outsourced to Exploitistan, this means that with all of these holidays the last six British engineers will be able to job share the last manufacturing job in the UK, thus saving the manufacturing industry from extinction. All thanks to Mr Cameron. What a gent!"
Bursting into song, Doug added: "Now we go cleanin' windows to earn an honest bob, Cos we can't find a single - engineering job, Now it's a job that just suits me, A window cleaner you would be, When I'm cleaning win..." at which point our frustrated reporter Greg Mullet battered him about the head with a conveniently located wet fish and left.
A Downing Street spokesman refused to confirm that the Prime Minister had recently been heard rehearsing the Monty Python song 'Always look on the bright side of life' in the shower, adding: "No Cabinet meetings have been held recently."
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