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| You are disappointed to see: Home > News | 21st March |
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Blair unveils his 2006 New Year Resolutions1 Jan 2006 by hra
At a private dinner given to a bevy of his favourite newspaper editors last week, Tony Blair gave a sneak preview of his 2006 New Year Resolutions to the favoured few. In a special New Year's Day feature, DeadBrain's Greg Mullet is privileged to publish excerpts from his set of notes scrawled on the back of a very large and now empty brown envelope.After handing out the caviar and share certificates, Tony addressed the gathering, "I may, you know, have ... 'finessed' ... a few issues over the past few years, purely in the national interest of course, but I absolutely want to draw a line under that and move on. So I came up with the idea of 'New Year Resolutions' – they don't have to go through Parliament and they're all absolutely cast-iron pledges set in stone and if anyone still doesn't believe me, then all I can say to them is 'Trust me, I'm a dictator'. "Firstly, I promise to let Gordon have my job this very year, before the economy's so wrecked that he'll be in an untenable position. Er, it already is? Oh well, leave that bit out then, would you. More champagne, anyone? "Er, moving on, you all know I've come in for a fair bit of flak as it were over Iraq, so here's what I'm going to do. I'll make a statement explaining why we really went to war, what we did or didn't know about WMDs and what we're going to do about this awful mess we've created. And, for good measure, I'll own up to what we said to Hutton back in '04 – in fact I'll even tell Eliza to publish the transcript of the phone call – after all, it's only fair on the poor man. "And to underscore my passionate belief in Freedom of Information - oh and morality too, that always goes down well - I intend to launch a full independent public inquiry into extraordinary rendition, and this time we won't blame the whole thing on the BBC. It probably wouldn't work again anyway [sniggers]. You know, I think a few people have been a little economical with the truth, and frankly, I'm absolutely shocked. "Ahem, moving on again, this year will mark a real crackdown on crime. Yes, I know I've said that before, but this year I really mean it. And – I know it may be a revolutionary concept for some – we intend to criminalise, well, criminals, instead of everybody else. I passionately believe in community policing, straightforward measures like more bobbies on the beat and so on. Oops, I've said that before as well, haven't I? And if former intelligence chiefs say ID cards are useless, then they are. So we'll scrap them. Far be it from me to push through draconian measures just for the sake of it. "And as for my unkind Cabinet colleagues who say the only difference between Hitler and me is that Hitler made the trains run on time – well I'll sort that too. "Is there anything I've left out? Oh yes, there's the EU rebate, global warming, council tax, NuLabour sleaze, the housing market, the black – sorry, 'Brown' hole in public finances ... I'm sure there's a lot of other things but don't worry, I'll have 'New Year Resolutions' for them too – within the next 12 months and that's a promise. "Oh, and I must stop telling lies as well, but I'll leave that 'til another year."
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