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Government's right-think scheme for toddlers revealed
30 Nov 2005 by Malcolm DruryFollowing the recent announcement by the government of a new curriculum for the political education and conditioning of young children, DeadBrain can reveal how it will be implemented.
The scheme - the "early years foundation stage" - was announced earlier this month by Beverley Hughes, the children and families minister, who said it will "establish a coherent framework that defines the progression of young children from nought to five". It will have the same legal force as the school national curriculum and will introduce an inspection system to assess care and education for babies and toddlers in all nurseries and playgroups and for those looked after by childminders.
Douglas Ramsbottom, an aide to Ms Hughes, explained to our reporter how the scheme will work.
All children will be taught the curriculum "from birth", starting the instant they are born in one of the special New Labour Wards that hospitals will be required to set up. During delivery itself recordings of The Dear Leader's speeches will be played in the background.
From age three, all children will learn rudimentary maths, language and political right-think. From age five children will also be required to join the Young Labour Pioneers and perform weekend work on behalf of The Party. Those who perform well or who are judged to have exhibited double-plus-good behaviour will be rewarded with a week's free holiday at a Party Camp to be established somewhere in the north-east of England, most likely near Sedgefield in County Durham.
In a related move all toddlers are to be issued with red kerchiefs and tee-shirts bearing the message "I Love the Dear Leader". The words to the Barney the Dinosaur song, which has successfully been used in the USA for thought control by numbing children's brains, is to be adapted to British requirements. Mr Ramsbottom said that the most likely wording would be "I love T, He loves me, I'm as happy as can be". Children in nurseries and playgroups will be required to sing the song at the beginning of every day's education session.
The scheme will also affect childminders. In order to continue to work legally they will have to attend annual re-education sessions in order to be up-to-date in their political thinking and hence teaching. The sessions will be organised by the Department of Education, which is to renamed the Ministry of Enlightenment.
David Cameron, the front-runner contender for the interim leadership of the Conservative Party described the plan as odious. "There they go, stealing our ideas again," he said.