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Blair announces solutions to everything
10 Nov 2005 by Paul TanterTony Blair looked certain to win back all doubters last night, as he unveiled a raft of radical new proposals designed to fix everything wrong with the nation.
The Prime Minister couldn't stop grinning as usual as he proudly announced measure after measure, all of which are sure to guarantee both party members and disenfranchised voters flock back to New Labour.
The incredible proposals were illuminated across the Thames onto the wall of the Houses of Parliament. They cover a range of public services including:
Crime: Community Support Officers are to be replaced by an organisation called "The Police". This force will be responsible for maintaining law and order, investigating crimes and shooting Brazilians. Their main focus will switch from motorists and homeowners to "criminals".
Criminals will be housed in newly built structures known as "prisons". They will serve a sentence determined by an informed Justice of the Peace. The sentence they serve will reflect the severity of the crime they have committed. For example, a drink-driver who killed a pedestrian will be jailed for many years, rather than the current admonishment of an £80 fine and six points on their licence.
Health: Hospitals will sack the current batch of administrators and managers, freeing up money to employ another doctor and nurse. The new pair will double the staff of the current NHS, which currently consists of Dr Greg Ramsbottom and nurse Betty Molestrangler. Both are currently considering joining the private sector.
In non-clinical areas, the NHS will hire "cleaners". "Cleaners" have been used for many years in countries with medicine in advance of the UK, such as Ethiopia and Uganda. Some suspect there may be a correlation between their activities and the actual cleanliness of wards.
Education: Classroom Assistants will be replaced with "Teachers". "Teachers" were phased out several hundred years ago, but will be re-introduced with the power to knock seven shades of shit out of any kid who refuses to do what they are told. These new teachers will teach children how to "read and write" as well as arithmetic and many other subjects. General studies will be outlawed, as it is useless.
Mr Blair was flanked by his Cabinet Ministers as he made the announcement, except for John Prescott, who was made redundant as part of what backbenchers have dubbed the "Common Sense Measures".
"Today is a great day for Britain," said Mr Blair. "My legacy will stand for generations, and the best thing is that I'll be standing down soon, so Gordon will have to find the money for all of it."