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BREAKING NEWS: Blair bans Clarke, Blunkett reinstated

In an unexpected move Prime Minister Blair has banned Home Secretary Charles Clarke. Mr Blair has recently led a number of initiatives to ban things, including smoking, hunting with hounds, the BBC (although that failed), Easter eggs and drinking in pubs. His latest ban is seen as a move to pre-empt Mr Clarke's expected compromise to the Terror Bill, reducing the length of time terror suspects can be held without charge. Labour rebels have demanded that it be reduced from the planned 90 days.

Mr Blair has been vigorously defending his "absolute belief" that holding terror suspects for 90 days is the right thing to do. It is understood that he has had a meeting with the rebels to outline his conviction. A Downing Street official, speaking on condition of anonymity, would neither confirm nor deny a rumour that Mr Blair had threatened to separate them from their manhood "with a very sharp knife" if they did not fall into line.

The official said that the PM had reinstated as Home Secretary David Blunkett, who held the post from 2001 to 2004 and is also the former Work and Pensions Secretary. Mr Blunkett was forced to step aside from both positions following a series of slight misunderstandings. The official noted that the PM had been keen to get Mr Blunkett back into Cabinet and that Mr Clarke's wavering gave him the opportunity to do so. "Mr Blair knows that Blunkett is a no-nonsense, get the job done man," he said. He added that with his new-found prowess for banning things Mr Blair might well be looking to get rid of other thorns in his side. He refused comment when asked if Chancellor Gordon Brown was a potential target.

Mr Blunkett appeared to be surprised at his reinstatement, and taken a bit off-guard. When approached by reporters his initial comment was "Bugger off, I don't even know the woman." However, asked, after he had composed himself, if he would propose reducing the 90 day term he replied: "Not bloody likely, it will be more like chuck the buggers in a cell and throw away the key. There's no smoke without fire."

In related news, DeadBrain can confirm that there is no truth to the rumour that Mr Blair has appointed his horse to the Cabinet, although it does appear that he has taken to wearing a purple robe while within the confines of Number Ten.

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