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BREAKING NEWS: David Cameron slapped with ASBO

David Cameron's hopes of becoming Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition have been starkly shot down, as he was informed late last night that he has been served with an Anti-Social Behaviour Order.

In a sensational move which followed hours of tough deliberations and the sinking of countless skinny lattes, New Labour chieftains moved to prevent Mr Cameron from entering the City of Westminster and speaking in front of TV cameras for a period of five years.

The decision to 'do something about the Cameron problem' was taken following the first round of votes for the Tory leadership contest, which confirmed Mr Cameron's rise to prominence and quashed the hope that the Conservatives would bide by tradition and elect an ineffectual muppet as their leader.

In an emergency meeting, Tony Blair, John Prescott, Charles Clarke, Peter Mandelson and Alan Milburn took to the sofas to discuss what to do about the prospect of facing a not completely unelectable opponent.

From the off, the boisterous duo of Clarke and Prescott pushed for an outright ban on Mr Cameron, to go with the recent bans on fun, smoking, telling the truth, instigating debate, human rights and civil liberties. Milburn and Mandelson wavered, waiting for Tony to speak.

Tony, while agreeing in principle with the idea of a ban, decided that such a thing would take too long, that "those damn Lords" wouldn't agree with it, and he'd have to go through the hassle of the Parliament Act again to force it through, by which time it might be too late. Alan agreed obsequiously.

Mr Mandelson then suggested that Mr Cameron be arrested under the suspicion of terrorism, and sent, without trial, to Guantanamo Bay for a few months. Clarke and Prescott simultaneously stood up in approval, knocking over the coffee.

Tony was again unconvinced. He cited the prohibitive cost of flights to Cuba at this time of year and the fact that since the government had recently forced the US to release British detainees from Camp X-Ray, they were not currently on great terms with the warders, which could prove politically dangerous later on.

Instead, Mr Blair suggested, "could we not just ASBO him", professing that "it would be much quicker and just as good we don't need no Conservative leader, just an ineffectual one, one that isn't really there like that Smith fellow."

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