| |
DeadBrain Exclusive: Downing Street tea-lady's uncensored diary revealed
DeadBrain has obtained exclusive access to the uncensored version of "Tea for Tony: Memoirs of a Downing Street Tea Lady", the recently-published tell-all diary of Vera Sugden, who until slightly less recently worked as tea lady at 10 Downing Street.
Publication of the diary led to the coterie of prime ministerial spin-doctors working full time. DeadBrain has been unable to confirm speculation that no less a personage than the great Alastair Campbell himself was brought in to help. The diary was denounced as "the product of a warped mind bent on assassinating the character of one of Britain's best prime ministers ever, if not the best", and Ms Sugden was called "disloyal", "a shrieking harpy", and "probably in the pay of the BBC", and was said to make the worst cup of tea in Whitehall.
However, in a further embarrassment to Downing Street it has emerged that Ms Sugden had been forced by the Cabinet Office to "tony" down several parts of the book. DeadBrain is pleased to be able to share with you some of the original passages, provided by Ms Sugden, who is currently in hiding at a secret location.
Original version"Tony would eat a whole packet of chocolate biscuits every time he had a cup of tea, which was several times a day, and the chocolate seemed to affect him. He would get really excitable and run around shouting things like 'God, I'd like to strangle that bugger Chirac'. Usually he had to be physically restrained for an hour or so until the effects of the chocolate had worn off."
Spun version"The PM would occasionally have a chocolate biscuit with his morning tea. It seemed to help him to relax, especially when he was considering difficult matters of foreign policy."
Original version"The CS [Cabinet Secretary] said that Clare Short was at the font door asking to see him [Mr Blair]. Tony went white and started to dribble, and he hid under the table and instructed the CS to tell Short that he was 'out of the country being treated for leprosy or something, anything to get rid of her'. I think he almost wet himself."
Spun version"The CS said that Clare Short was waiting outside. The PM instructed him to let her in immediately, saying how, although their ideas and views sometimes differed, he fully respected and valued her opinions and deep insight."
Original version"Tony was in a real dither about whether or not to join [US President George W] Bush's adventure in Iraq. He said it would be a vote-loser, and after all, there wasn't really any evidence of Saddam's so-called WMDs in spite of what he'd been saying in public."
Spun version"The PM was firm and resolute as always, and did not hesitate for a second. He said 'we must do this, no matter how unpopular it might be, Saddam has WMDs: it's the right thing to do.' I have rarely seen a man so decisive and resolute."
Original version"The Foreign Secretary told Tony that President Bush had indicated that he wanted 'to visit the U of K' (his own words). Tony just rolled his eyes and said 'oh my God, will he be able to find his way here?' and asked if a translator would be available. The FS asked why and Tony said 'well, to translate gibberish into English.' Then he said that on second thoughts it might be better not to know what the president was going on about, it usually brought on indigestion, just nod and smile a lot."
Spun version"The Foreign Secretary informed the PM that President Bush had suggested visiting the UK. The PM said that would be a splendid idea: Mr Bush is a great and valued friend of Britain, and he looked forward to a useful and constructive dialogue."
At a press conference earlier today Douglas Ramsbottom, a spokesman for Mr Blair, read a prepared statement. "The Prime Minister is naturally disappointed that a former valued member of the Downing Street team would publish such a book," it said, "but he recognises and fully supports Ms Sugden's right to freedom of speech and wishes her well, wherever she is."
Off the record he added that what Mr Blair had actually said was more along the lines of "if that bloody woman ever dares to come out of hiding hang the witch upside down from the nearest telephone pole."
An attempt to interview Alastair Campbell was cut short when he curtly told our reporter to "f*** off or I'll shove your notebook where you'll need Ex-Lax to retrieve it."
Log in to read/write comments on this article
Go on, have a look at this...
|
|
