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Tories need more MPs like Theresa May, says Theresa May
11 Sep 2005The Conservative Party needs more MPs in order to form a government, a Tory frontbencher has divulged. In a startling admission, Theresa May said that the party was perceived as having too few MPs, with many of the ones they do have being white, male and rather dull.
Mrs May added that the reason her party had lost the last election was the "ultimate no-brainer". Following brief heckling from the audience - Mrs Douglas Ramsbottom - Mrs May asserted that she herself was not a no-brainer; rather the reasons for the Conservative defeat were.
Expanding on her theory, she said: "Quite simply, people don't resemble or understand us or our priorities. In fact, they probably don't even like us."
The way to solve this problem, Mrs May explained, was not for Tories to become vaguely like the rest of the country, but rather for all Tories to become more like her. As disco smoke poured from the side of the stage and her podium began to flash with neon lights, she continued: "Once I have rebuilt the Conservative Party around me, I will remould the country in my image."
How the new party will look
With the stage now rising around her, the podium folding out into what appeared to be the beginnings of a small hover craft and the Dr Who theme tune pumping out from huge speakers, Mrs May outlined her vision for a new Britain: more tax cuts, fewer immigrants and discounts on uncomfortable designer shoes for women.
At this point the audience left as she had a bus to catch. Mrs Ramsbottom told DeadBrain on the way to the bus stop that she would not be voting for Mrs May in the leadership contest, assuming that she even gets a vote, as her fancy designer shoes would hurt her feet.
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